Sunday, March 05, 2006

friends.

i never wanted to attempt to start on a topic like this again. but i guess some things just have to be clarified sooner or later.

i don't know how my friends see me, and i don't know how to open my mouth and ask them the question. i just feel... awkward. do they see me as funny? or silly? do they see me as straightforward? or irritating? do they see me as quiet? or proud? do they see me as friendly? or just a boot-licker? do they see me as myself? or someone wearing a mask? i don't know.

i asked my mother if she was my friend, how would she see me. she said, you're v quiet and serious. that's how u behave at home, but i think when you're in school, you must be those who talk non-stop one, those v noisy people. well, you are one who your friends will come and approach you. i don't think you're one of those proud students who you seemed to be. you do help them when they come and ask you for help don't you?

i kept quiet.

sometimes how the people around me sees me, is depended on how i portray myself to them. in my own small family, im not one who talks alot, just a little noisy when im alone with my mother and sister, or when i feel like talking that day. in my extended family, i only hang around with my cousins and i really LOL; but infront of my relatives, i only have one expression -.- and i don't talk. i just simply hate it when they keep commenting on my hairstyle, wahh. ur hair v cool leh. how i wish my hair can cut like yours also. your school allow this kind of hair meh? haven't get caught ar?

oh my fucking shit. everytime they tell me this, i just simply gave a cold laugh and say, go cut lor. i don't think your boss will catch you for that. and i walked away. im sorry that if you think that i don't respect my elders but hey i only do that to the relatives i don't like. when i say i don't like, means i really hate her to core.

i deeply respect my da yi, for she's the aunty that dotes on me, and my silblings the most; she's the one who sorta brought me up cause i always go my ahma hse when i was young. she took care of me, and gave me most of the stuff that i want. i can proudly say that im willingly to give up my life to help her in any way.

okay enough of my family story, now back to friends. i remembered having this conversation over the phone with my this p6 friend a few years back. she said, "i was afraid to approach you when i first saw you, cause you hardly smile. and you had this dont-come-near-me aura. but when i got to know you better, i always get to disturb you! hahahahaha...." i laughed if off too. what else can i say?

i had this group of damn freaking good friends, 5 of us to be exact. we were in the same class since p1-p3, we practically did everyhing together, 5 of us were even in the same eca! then we were splitted in p4; 4(including me) in one class, while the other 1 in another class, but we still ate together during recess. 4 of us were still in the same class in p5, and so we got to know other ppl in the class too.

for me, i got to know this different group of friends through eca/same class, a total of 3 of us then. well, these 2 cliques got along v well, since we were in the same class and eca, it was easy to interact. until p6, we all got splitted into different classse again. i went to a class with only one close friend who was together since p1.

oh yeah. we were still close. my other friends were still as close too. last year leh, what do you expect? must treasure leh. BUT WHAT? we had a cold war over this damn freaking idiotic senseless stupid reason, which lasted for more than half a year. we did not say a single word to each other at all. okay, we passed letters, and asking each other to hear some songs that contain that message that we wanted to pass across.

somehow this cold war spreaded to another close friend in another class, over a stupid reason -- jealously. she was angry with me for being so close with another friend, from the other clique, whom i only got to know in p6.

(i know this is getting confusing for those who have been reading so far, you can actually stop here. but if you ain't confused, just carry on.)

having 2 cold wars with two closest friends is really v tiring. adding on to this, i did something that i always do. i chose to run away from everything. in order to neutralise the anger in my friend, i chose to keep my distance with the other clique. i didn't hang out with them anymore. so it was a total of 3 cold wars with my bestest 6-years-friends. they initiated patching up many times, but i rejected again and again. (dont ask me why was i so stupid. remember im supposed to be childish.)

should i thank my lucky stars? maybe i should. i had sm then to be with me. she was the messenger between us during the cold war. don't you think we are vv silly and childish in pri school? well i think im hundred thousand times worse than it. as much as you say you don't like the person from ur mouth, deep in ur heart you still want to know everything regarding the person.

whatever it is, sm was our messenger for all 3 cold wars. she helped me to pass message and through her, i knew what's happening at the other side. there was one time i remembered so clearly that my friend was actually crying over the phone, when she was talking to sm, because of the damn cold war, the stupid thing that started all by me.

i felt so bad, really bad. why are you crying because of me? why are you crying for someone who is so childish to start this cold war? why are you crying for someone who chose to ignore you for 8months? all these thoughts just ran through my head, but the cold war didn't ended just there. it went on for a few more months till eoys and i don't really remember how we patched things up, but im sure it's before the p6 graduation night. that night, all 3 cold wars just ended..

above all these, i must really thank sm alot, and i ought to apologise to her for shifting all the blame to her. i said tt it was her who exaggerated the messages i wanted her to pass to my friend. i just simply blame her for everything, and i ignored her in sec1, to the extent that most of them don't really like her then. i guess it was unavoidable that she complained to her seniors how this person wanqing had bullied her.

now, whenever i hear the choir people, esp the seniors, saying that they know me and heard alot about me, i doubt it's anything good. im not saying it's sm's fault, im in no position to say that. i deserved it anyway. thankfully, we all matured over these years, we are talking once again. but im still sorry towards her.

for my that 2 pri sch cliques, the first one sorta disbanded. haha. still keeping in contact once in awhile with a few of them; while the other one, we are still keeping in close contact till now, and there are 2 more new members! haha. yupp, though it's something to rejoice about, but whenever i thought of what had happened in pri sch, it never fails to send shivers down my spine.

the lesson learnt in pri sch made a great impact on my view towards friends. there was one time that i see friends as nothing but betrayers, promises are meant to be broken and all the other stuff of this sort.

i had another cold war with one sec friend in sec1, it lasted for more that half a year too. this time there wasn't any messenger or anything. no quarrels, no disputes, no nothing. we just stopped talking to each other for some unknown reason, it was rather difficult cause we were in the same class and cca. besides, this friend of mine is as stubborn as me. how to apologise?

i don't know what happen again, but we started talking in sec2, and well we actually became closer than before. i guess thats when i learnt to treasure, and i mean really freaking treasure every friendship im gonna to make, and of course those i already had before. but now, that friend of mine (i hope you're reading this) starts to feel inferior of herself, because i dont seem to be having much conversation as before and it seemed that we're drifting away.

hey, this is for you, and you better appreciate this, it's 2am in the morning now and im still up typing this. (shucks! a lizard just crawled on my legs! >.<) i want you to know that i ain't someone who goes around making friends with everyone that i see. with the least, they will just be acquaintances; and the most, they are people who write the pages of my life.

it may seemed that i've friends of all sort, as in different characters. but so what? are they always there when i needed them? are they the ones whose names appear first when i want to share my happiness/sorrows with someone? some of them aren't, while some of them are, and you're one of them.

yes, though i may always be talking about my new friends instead of sharing some life philosophies (ha ha. -.-) with you, but you know what? for every topic i try to start with any of my friends, it ran through my mind loads of time on whether should i pop the conversation out from my mouth. sometimes it may just come out so easily, but most of the conversations i've thought of, i just kept it inside myself and thats when im quiet.

so next time please for heaven's sake, don't compare urself with the people around you. an analogy would be they might mean apples to me, but you mean pears to me! okay nvm, my analogies always suck. remember it's early in the mrng now! AH WHATEVER. you get my point.

as i've told you already, a true friendship is not measured by the quantity of friends one has, it's the type of friends one has made. is the foundation of the friendship strong enough to withstand obstacles of sorts, and remain as strong as before? if it is, then im happy for you, you've found yourself a true friend. but if it isn't, then why don't you just forget all about that person and carry on looking for the true friend.

so what if you have a billion a zillion number of friends around you? you just need a few of them to be there and lend a shoulder or listening ear when you really need it, and most importantly you know that they will always be there to catch you when you fall.

i hope you really get my point into ur head, and remember you are who you are, and nothing's gonna change that fact.

2:22 AM